Hot Tips for Grandmahood
"Grandmas are really antique little girls,"
says a plaque on my kitchen wall. Having served
an apprenticeship for nearly 20 years, I feel
I may be able to help with a few tips on grandmahood
0 to 5 years
- Cuddle often.
- Sit in the sandpit.
- Make red jelly and patty cakes with 100s
and 1000s. (Be prepared to vacuum up the rainbow
lollies for the following two weeks.)
- Perfect your Daddy Bear, Mummy Bear and Baby
- Try to remember words of nursery rhymes.
- Hide your blood pressure bills and lipstick.
- Go for long walks pushing stroller. (If grandchild
wishes to push dolly in a little stroller, be
prepared to carry last two items home yourself.)
- Give running commentary on birds, flowers,
butterflies and cars.
- Don't boss Miss Two, she's bossy enough for
- But bask in the warmth of big blue eyes when
they gaze earnestly into yours and a little
voice says unexpectedly, "I love loo, Grandma".
5 to 10 years
- Laugh and giggle for no reason at all.
- Pretend you love fishing and wish out loud
that you could rollerblade.
- Give lessons on knitting.
- Be led on walks to secret hideouts.
- Look at school projects, sporting ribbons
and medals, and praise extravagantly.
- Be passionate about Barbie Doll and her extensive
workday, shopping day, sports day, evening wardrobe.
- Ooh and Aah at each new outfit and help with
dressing and undressing, mixing and matching.
- Listen in raptures to latest poems and songs
learnt at school.
- Play games. (Don't attempt hockey or horse
riding. Table-tennis is fine if approached moderately.)
- Listen sympathetically to pet hates and crazes.
- Approve of latest haircuts and dress codes.
- Keep secrets.
- Don't be a geriatric teenager.
- Fill the cake tins for boys, and fruit bowls
- Don't, and I repeat, don't, keep repeating
the adage, "When I was your age".
That is really stretching their imagination
beyond the pale.
I unfortunately never knew any of
my grandparents, and my journey into this state
has been mostly trial and error. Initially, I
did what came naturally, but my grandchildren
have been my teachers, and I'm still learning
and hopefully improving.