Postcards to the otherside
What's so different about Brisbane anyway?
Read on and Carol
A. Smith will show you.
Thanks for the letter. Missin'
"me mates" in Montana, but not the snow or the
survivalists. We're spending the weekend on
the Sunshine Coast, in Marcoola, which is due
north of Maroochydore and Mooloolaba. To keep
things simple, I just call the whole place Maroochyloolacoolabah.
Not only do they drive on the
other side of the road, but the light switches
down here are arse-over-tits too. A mate said
it's because every product in Australia is made
by drunks, for drunks, and with drunks. Ergo,
when you're stumbling into a room flailing at
a light switch, you have a better chance of
smacking it down for "on" than up. Brilliant,
don't you think?
Between the possums, the fruit
bats, and the bush turkeys, it's a wonder anyone
gets any sleep around here. The first few nights
I lay stark staring awake, certain I was going
to be robbed and raped by a band of drunken
pirates. But in reality it's "no worries, mate."
Since they don't have guns here, they don't
have much serious crime. Maybe someone should
tell the president.
Yeah, without guns, I reckon the
six o'clock news is a bit dull, but they make
up for it by running soft-core porno on late-night
telly. The big news in Australia yesterday was
a woman getting her shoulder hurt in a handbag
snatching. The big news in the U.S. yesterday
was another unarmed civilian being riddled with
bullets by the police.
Sweet dreams, Naomi
Not that you need to know, but
here's how to tell a Burglar from a Bush Turkey:
* Bush turkeys crash through the
* Burglars curse through the shrubbery.
* Bush turkeys rummage through
your compost pile.
* Burglars rummage through your
* Bush turkeys learn from their
* Burglars earn from their mistakes.
* Bush turkeys smell better than
* Burglars are uglier than bush
* Burglars don't squawk when you
throw a shoe at them.
* Bush turkeys don't wear nipple
rings. Don't ask how I learned the last one.
Thanks for the UPI clipping about
the shark mauling the surfer on the Gold Coast
which, by the way, is Brizzie's playground,
not Sydney's, as the United Propaganda Idiots
conflated it. There's a 6-meter great white
off the coast of Melbourne right now, patrolling
for Yanks on holiday. That's like a stretch
limo with a boat trailer. Don't forget the gigantic
teeth. I tell you, Cork, the beasties down here
make our old griz look like poodle puppies.
Remember that poor bloke in Montana who was
taken by a griz and his hundred-odd-year-old
wife got it to turn him loose by whacking it
on the nose with her binoculars? Try whacking
a great white on the nose with binoculars and
see what happens. Better yet, poke him in the
eye with your 'brolly.
Yesterday my neighbor was giving
me a ride and said she hoped I didn't mind that
her car was full of pot plants. Now don't get
all excited, Corks. Australia is forward-thinking,
but not that forward. Turns out what they call
"pot plants", we call "potted plants." And what
we call "pot plants", they call "brekky".
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